Failure?

Failure has been a looming thought throughout the past few months.  My naivety and excitement the first few months kept me rolling, but as I get closer, my brain is my biggest enemy.  My biggest enemy in every aspect at this point in time.  I feel like a failure.  I set these standards, and I haven't met them.  I am having a hard time meeting the expectations of others, of doing enough, being good enough, in my own eyes, and (at least I think) in the eyes of others.

I keep expecting that perfect performance, the ideal situation.... and well... life doesn't work like that.  I work to please others, to meet expectations, and to impress, feeling that my happiness and success is dependent upon others and their judgements.  BULLSHIT!  My happiness, is just that, mine.  I give my all, my best, and if I can make it so that I enjoy the journey, the training, the job, the relationship, well then, that is happiness.

So I feel underprepared?  Do I stop?

Come on, seriously?  I have come this far, the simple answer seems to be, no way.  The more complicated answer is, no, but don't expect too much.  That still isn't the right answer.  I think I can do this, and because of that I will believe in myself until the very end.  Will you believe in me too?

My knee

Well, this is the one real barrier.  The one thing that in all reality should slow me down a bit, for my own good.  Getting off the trainer one morning, I pivoted just strangely enough that I developed immediate swelling and aching in my knee.  This would come and go as time went on.  It continues to nag, likely a torn meniscus.  At this point, its better if I don't know.  I have enough mental game issues as it is.  My promise to myself, I will ride and run through soreness, achiness, but I will not push through severe pain unless I am within 10 miles of the finish line.  

Starting over

In my head, I started over tonight.  I got my brain together, I plunked myself on the treadmill, and I ran, and ran, and ran.  A mile in, I bounced along and thought, this is happiness.  This is success.  This is who I am.  I am not a failure.

I will give it my best, my all.  I will work, I will learn.  I will play and fight.  I will keep my chin up and my teeth gritted.  If it isn't enough this time, it will be next time.  I am not a failure, I am a work in progress.  Most of all, I am happy.

Perspective

Today.... today was a crummy day, I had lots of things to complain about.  And I did.  I whined and I complained and I dreamed of something better.  Around every corner was another challenge, another something gone wrong. 

And then I read it...

Princess Lacey succumbs to cancer.

Princess Lacey was 8. 

My day rocked.

Seriously.

Everyone should hear her story, should know about the impact that she had.  Princess Lacey was an 8 year old friend of the Michigan State Senior Basketball Forward, Adreian Payne.  They met two years ago on a team visit to the children's hospital. They were good friends since that time, calling each other little sister and big brother.  Lacey was his biggest fan, attending games and creating so much inspiration along the way.  Don't believe me?  Check this out  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRmUB_OwJS4 Lacey spent the past few weeks traveling, following the team and her big brother throughout March Madness and to the Slam Dunk Competition.

Lacey had Neuroblastoma.  She had awesome doctors, and an incredible support system.  She is dancing with the angels despite all efforts. 

I plead with you tonight, rededicating myself to the whole reason why I started this Ironman battle in the first place, to help battle childhood cancer.  Let's help beat this terrible reality, the cause of a parents worst nightmare and the cause of Michigan State Basketballs heartbreak... we know this hurts even more than the Elite Eight loss. 

Please consider donating to my cause, to St. Jude.  Check out my page here.  http://heroes.stjude.org/krisironmantexas

Lacey, keep dancing, keep smiling, and may everyone whose life she touched make a difference.

My day was not terrible, it just needed some perspective.

Out to Surprise myself

So we know that this season has not gone as planned.  I am not a model Ironman trainee.  My knee has yelled uncle with a torn meniscus.  My race is 6-weeks away and I feel very under-prepared.  However, despite all of this, I am thinking positive.  I am not allowing negative thoughts to enter my brain.  Chin up, keep moving.

Tomorrow I face my biggest challenge, and I fear that it will likely be the make or break of my plan.  I signed up for a half marathon, and I plan to take the long way to the race by bike.  I also hope to snarf down a little bit of food and then keep trudging along for as far as I can.  It was a joke started by my husband. 

My initial plan was to bike to the race, have hubby pick up my bike and then run the race and have him pick me up after he finished work.  He joked, "oh? You're not going to run home afterward?"  And it hit me, I probably can.  Not that I should be running all the way home after a half marathon, but another 7 or 8 miles really wouldn't be bad.  I can do that, right?  So here I am attempting it, with phone in hand, to cry uncle when the time comes- because it is 20 miles home- and that isn't going to happen :)

So 45 miles to the race, half marathon, and then a few miles afterwards.  Sounds like a plan, I can do this.  I'm going to surprise everyone, and mostly, myself :)