Failure?

Failure has been a looming thought throughout the past few months.  My naivety and excitement the first few months kept me rolling, but as I get closer, my brain is my biggest enemy.  My biggest enemy in every aspect at this point in time.  I feel like a failure.  I set these standards, and I haven't met them.  I am having a hard time meeting the expectations of others, of doing enough, being good enough, in my own eyes, and (at least I think) in the eyes of others.

I keep expecting that perfect performance, the ideal situation.... and well... life doesn't work like that.  I work to please others, to meet expectations, and to impress, feeling that my happiness and success is dependent upon others and their judgements.  BULLSHIT!  My happiness, is just that, mine.  I give my all, my best, and if I can make it so that I enjoy the journey, the training, the job, the relationship, well then, that is happiness.

So I feel underprepared?  Do I stop?

Come on, seriously?  I have come this far, the simple answer seems to be, no way.  The more complicated answer is, no, but don't expect too much.  That still isn't the right answer.  I think I can do this, and because of that I will believe in myself until the very end.  Will you believe in me too?

My knee

Well, this is the one real barrier.  The one thing that in all reality should slow me down a bit, for my own good.  Getting off the trainer one morning, I pivoted just strangely enough that I developed immediate swelling and aching in my knee.  This would come and go as time went on.  It continues to nag, likely a torn meniscus.  At this point, its better if I don't know.  I have enough mental game issues as it is.  My promise to myself, I will ride and run through soreness, achiness, but I will not push through severe pain unless I am within 10 miles of the finish line.  

Starting over

In my head, I started over tonight.  I got my brain together, I plunked myself on the treadmill, and I ran, and ran, and ran.  A mile in, I bounced along and thought, this is happiness.  This is success.  This is who I am.  I am not a failure.

I will give it my best, my all.  I will work, I will learn.  I will play and fight.  I will keep my chin up and my teeth gritted.  If it isn't enough this time, it will be next time.  I am not a failure, I am a work in progress.  Most of all, I am happy.