Today my head was anywhere but. The 4 months between Ironman Texas and Ironman Maryland have been an interesting road. Plenty of challenges have risen up to meet me and today I realized that I have been ignoring them for the most part- pushing them to the back of my mind and hoping they would disappear... instead they all floated into my conscience starting around 430am. Can I tell you- at 10am I texted my husband and said, never mind, I don't want to go. Lets stay home. A lesser man would have been excited at the thought of a real vacation, a real break. Instead he told me to take a breath and we would talk about it later. We never really had to- it was addressed quickly and succinctly, "You can do this. You need to do this- for you." There was no argument, no discussion, just the undying faith and belief in me. No pressure. No force. We're going.
My incredible ladies made training so much fun this summer and I am so grateful for them. We surmounted Rev3 Maine together and had so much fun doing it. Rev3 was not a hard race for me- I'll be honest. I felt great on the swim aside from wetsuit chafe toward the end. The bike felt good. I never felt like I was pushing an unsustainable pace. I felt comfortable, I could have easily kept going. The run.... terrible as always. The reality is that it doesn't matter how much I have left after the bike- I don't have the wheels for the run. Not yet anyway.... maybe one day. The run was a struggle, but with forward progress I was faster than I thought I would have been, and when I came into town for the finish- I felt like I had plenty left. It wouldn't be fast, it wouldn't be pretty, but I was capable of more.
The mind games of a DNF are awful. Your first Ironman... a DNF... a medical disqualification. A mental block that hovers. I have spent so much time calculating... wondering... finding minimums... and just flat out not knowing.
The one thing I have to say about Rev3 is that despite the ugly run, there was only a very brief moment- less than 10 seconds- that I thought... nope, I should drop Maryland. One thought over the span of 7 hours, I can handle that.
Somehow someway I need to spend the next 9 days being positive, pushing myself forward, making last little adjustments and finding my faith in myself. Counting my steps to lose myself in a painful run. Letting myself drift into a lull on the aerobars while I forget my legs are numb- tired. Giving it what I have in the swim. Leaving it in the water and giving myself a cushion to rest on the rest of the day.
Lets be honest. I am not in this to place. I am not in it for prize money. I am not in it for the medal. I am in it to know that yes, I can do it. I am in it to cross that finish line before midnight, and even if that is not in the cards.... I will complete the distance. I will do this, for me. I am strong. I am crazy. I will be an Ironman. Day one of positivity starts here.
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